I’ve done MySpace, to limited success. I shall now piss on Facebook. In all reality I would really love to take an actual physical piss on Facebook, to express my immediate dislike for it. I might even download the Facebook homepage, burn it off onto CD and piss on the CD to compensate.
Facebook is essentially a glorified MySpace that focuses on the immediate connections in your life, and is what I refer to as a “closed” social networking site. By closed I simply mean that unless you know who you’re looking for, it’s almost impossible to browse random people (unless their profile is set to public) looking to make new connections. It exists, I suppose, to centralise the communication between your friends so that they can always see what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. In a world where shitty TV shows like “Big Brother” are highly successful, it’s quite logical to see why Facebook is also successful. Success doesn’t make something good, however, and Facebook is indeed a steaming pile of shit.
So why is it shit?
Firstly, because it’s closed. If I’m bored with the people in my life, it’s the 6 degrees of seperation, again. If I want to find someone new, I have to look at friends of friends of friends, and even then they’re all going to know each other, so I’m never really meeting anyone “new”. Yes, there are some subtle features that allow you to view categories and things like artists or interests – but when the majority of profiles are only accessible by people in the same network this defeats the entire fucking purpose of doing that. I don’t want to meet up with people who know through a friend of a friend that I got herpes last year. Dammit.
Facebook allows those assholes you were trying to avoid from High School to contact you. You know EXACTLY who i’m talking about, right? Everyone has at least a handful of people you couldn’t fucking stand at school but yet couldn’t seem to get rid of, and the morbid curiosity within you accepts them as friends, just so you can see how fucked up they’ve become since you last saw them 10+ years ago. In the same light, you can take a look at all those people you thought were “hot” at school, and see what a mess they’ve made of their lives. That hot guy/girl who’s become an obese, greasy piece of shit, and now a single parent of 3. Maybe one or 2 of them became really slim, and hot, and have travelled the world making your life look incredibly boring and pathetic. Either way, it’s depressing. I don’t fucking WANT to talk to these people, let alone allow them to see what I’ve been doing and what I subsequently will get up to – whilst masturbating over my pictures. Sheesh.
Status updates are a hilariously pathetic way to tell all of your friends what you’re up to at any time. Yeah, because we all want to know that you’re “on your way home from work”. Fucking enticing stuff, isn’t it? And the updates are always pathetically lame and usually miserable;
“is rlly unhappy wiv life. y cant ppl be nice 2 each ova?”
“hates his job”
“hates her kids”
Why can’t friends have updates that people may actually find interesting?
“just tried anal sex for the first time and its NOTHING like it is in porno. messy stuff.”
“just cheated on my girlfriend for someone far more attractive. perhaps if you’d lost some fucking weight you fat bitch, I wouldn’t have been looking elsewhere?”
“wishes their grandmother would die and leave them their inheritance already. having to listen to you bitch and whine about the cancer just isn’t worth the hassle. I’m not sure how much more I can take.”
And holy mother of God. The fucking notifications. “Give your friend a special gift now!” Yeah, because nothing says I value our friendship more than a fucking digital image of some chocolate, that took me all of 1.2 seconds to click and send to you and everyone else I know. That’s friendship baby. No, I honestly do NOT fucking care that you played “How big is my e-peen?” and got a score of 0.8 inches. Do I want to play too? Do you want to eat my ass with a spoon? Thought not.
“Jane has commented on Sara’s” photo. Wait, who the fuck is Sara? Why are photo comments always the fucking same boring and mundane bullshit?
“Awww, how cute you look!”
“What a fucking excellent night that was!”
“Who is that bozo in the background?”
Again, people should reply with far more interesting and accurate comments:
“Wow, you had some excellent cleavage going on there that night. That’s gonna get me through 20 minutes in the toilet at work later on!”
“That was 2 minutes before I puked all over that girls shoes and then we got into that massive cat-fight where she stabbed me in the face with a pint glass and I went to ER for the next 7 hours.”
“Harry, I’m really sorry I have to tell you like this man, but this is the night I had sex with your woman. I mean, check out that outfit… how could I not?”
For me, though, the absolute crème de la crème of bullshit from Facebook comes from the “groups” function. You know where people can join groups they feel are relevant to their interests and views? Things such as:
“David joins the group SAVE THE BABY WHALES!”
“Frank joins the group VOTE FOR OBAMA”
“Dildo joins the group MORE RIGHTS FOR ELECTRONIC GOODS”
All generally good and positive groups that give the impression that these people are goodstanding citizens and are suitable representatives for the better side of the human race. Right? Wrong. Most of the people I know would join groups similar to:
“I would like to have sex with a midget, just to see if i can get beyond the immediate feeling of it being similar in stature to fucking a child”
“I think religion is made bullshit by the discovery of dinosaurs. Sorry, God, but a T-Rex would fuck even *your* shit up.”
“I’m always one of those pricks who conveniently goes to the toilet when collections for Cancer Awareness show up.”
Be honest; you don’t give a shit about the whales any more than I do. You join the group to massage your publically accessible e-ego (electronic ego, for the retarded) and try to come off as a better human being, pretty much like every other asshole on there. Who are you trying to impress exactly? Everyone you fucking know is already on your friends list, so what logical reason do you have for doing that? I hardly think God (if he/she/it exists) is going to judge you on your Facebook group activity, you stupid motherfucker.
Facebook introduces those people you know in real life to the world of internet acronyms. I realise that my blog caters to a certain level of retardation, so I’ll briefly explain what an acronym is. An acronym is a series of words whose abbreviations make up a new word. FBI, NASA, BBW and BDSM are several popular acronyms. You follow? So how often do you really hear or see the people you know in real life “lol”, “rofl”, or “lmao”? And why the fuck do they feel the need to do it at the start and end of every goddamn sentence? I realise you’re new to this whole Internet thing, and you’ve just got yourself a Facebook account, but jesus christ. Lay off the fucking laughs, because nothing (and no, not even the following video) is *that* funny.